New Leaf Turns

A new leaf turns once again...

I am fat.

Just over three years ago I worked to lose weight, and I did. We conceived and I grew fatter, through pregnancy. We had our beautiful baby boy and I breastfed (I still do, 28 months and counting) and I lost ALL my baby weight and then I overate and grew fat(ter).

Since Bundle I have eaten a lot and I didn't exercise and didn't do anything except "baby" for a long time and I was anxious and depressed and barely functioning for a long time. It is only now that my anxiety is greatly reduced that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but the tunnel is long people. The depression is ever present and I do a lot more but still so very little and the sugar addiction and overeating and general fatness and sloth and inertia is all consuming and well established.

This leaf to turn is a mighty big one.

On the plus side I still weigh less then I did when I started out almost 42 months ago, not by much, but a little.

So here's the three-pronged plan:

Plan A
Cut out all sweets, chocolate, desserts and excess sugar with exceptions for events (i.e. birthday cake at a birthday party). Make healthier choices. Reduce dairy consumption, no more drinking glasses of milk and much less cheese and butter.

Plan B
Measured portions for breakfast (cereal/porridge), lunch (egg/half tin beans on toast or cup-a-soup/bread) with smaller portions for tea.

Plan C
Daily walks, increased movement in general, cleaning with a vengeance and short exercise sessions (three intensive minutes on Mum's machine, dancing like a crazy person for the length of a song, stretching sessions, being active with Bundle).

Completely manageable on the condition that I break the vicious circles of eating when bored, drinking more instead of eating, sitting down in the evening in front of the television with sweets, eating away my emotions. I'd be quite happy to replace a sugar/chocolate addiction with one to cleaning, tidying, crafting - our house is definitely a home now but there are hot spots where the clutter builds up, there are lots of hidden clutter spots and lots of boxes in the attic/barn to sort through; not to mention that whilst it may be "clean dirt" our home needs a really good (spring) clean (if I could do it for Pesach that would be amazing but even making a start would be great). Cleaning and exercising in one - can you say two birds one stone.

Sidenote: I have been battling a critical spirit my whole life but it has definitely gotten worse alongside my depression, anxiety and inertia. As I don't do I am so critical of those around me (especially my husband) as they do do. With God's help perhaps I can move forward and do more and criticise less. Fear has had me in its grip for too too long - "what time I am afraid I will trust in thee, in God I will praise His name, in God I have put my trust" or thereabouts, alas Scripture memory work has fallen by the way. Something else I need to do once again, along with Bible reading study (especially with Bundle), increased water consumption, better sleep patterns, more focused learning/colouring-in/Montessori style "work" with Bundle...

Okay okay let's end on a positive, I continue to keep on top of laundry, I have improved my meal planning/cooking (though I need to be a lot more budget conscious in this area), our household seasonal decorating has definitely improved and I've gotten better about changing our bed linen more frequently.

Onwards and upwards. Less thinking, more doing.

Day 31 - Cleaning around a catheter

Actually was fairly productive today as we "relaxed" post-operatively, Hubs allowed me a rest-in (completely awake time to myself in a somewhet zombified state following the unsettled-ness of the baby's sleep. He freaked out at eleven o'clock and we HAD TO FORCE PAIN MEDS INTO HIM; from then he slept and fed well and then had a wakeful period from 6-7am so I was basically awake.

We were awaiting the morning poo and the changing of both nappies, disentangling the catheter, keeping his hands from it, keeping it from dripping over the new nappies/changing area/Bundle himself, while actually cleaning him up and also keeping him out of the poo and away from his bandaged up genitals - why do mums have only two hands? He got there comfortably (yay) and we set to with some bickering and little "spillage" but intact.

Fast forward through a lovely visit to the in-laws' house (including seeing our wee 3yo niece) and then home for a story, milkies, (no toilet), putting his doll to bed and then going himself after prayers. Bundle stirred after forty-five minutes and then fed/slept attached until the two hour mark. A dry outer nappy in place, dolly awakened and after some playtime with Granda, his 9yo boy cuz and Nanny, I started on our dinner preparations. Midway my nostrils were assaulted, Bundle wasn't upset (yay) and poo number two (pun intended) of the day was facing me.

Nanny had gone to bed and Granda had taken my nephew home so Han Solo I prepared for battle. I worked quicker, distracted (where is your head?) and only had slight "spillage" and excessive wipe-usage as the bad points to the change.

Dinner was had and enjoyed to the accompanying family-friendly movie, "Yours, mine and ours" and was followed up by a productive clean-up/empty dishwasher/reload it/repack baby bag/put away laundry time. As often occurs we also had an evening ablution that I didn't hesitate to handle alone.

I was better prepared and after feeding the catheter tube ends back through the inner nappy I wrapped them in a cloth nappy fleece liner, held in place with sellotape, to prevent further "spillage." Distractions were less effective and a stern tone and hand removal were the only things that prevented Bundle from removing his catheter (twice), scary stuff. Poo clean-up complete I unwrapped, reinserted and nappied him up for the night.

So he has the catheter in until mid-morning Monday and it cannot come soon enough and yet I can only pray it's long enough to allow greater healing of his "high-powered hose." In the meantime, pyjamas are the order of the day.

31 days of Cleaning House has not exactly been mastered but it was at least discussed, baby steps people!

Day 30 - Thankful for Clean

Today I was thankful for clean, or more precisely sterile as my Bundle underwent a hypospadias repair operation.

I was also thankful for the many prayers that accompanied him "under the knife;" the lovely surgeon, A Dick (I kid you not); being first then bumped only to second on the theatre list; being "farmed out" to a private hospital on the public health service, which despite the added miles of travel (getting up at half five this morning) was wonderful, friendly, aesthetically pleasing and noticeably cleaner; for warm-hearted encouraging staff nurses; for encouraging and prayerful texts and for the news that my grandfather (though struggling with low blood pressure) came through his op. last night as well.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow.

Going in I had struggled for days with emotions but I was strong for my son beginning last night and lasting until after I left him "sleeping" on the operating table, at which point the tears flowed, I didn't even realise I'd walked up a flight of ten steps to meet my husband.

Afterwards he was somewhat distraught for the first hour, settling only while (breast)feeding and then eating and drinking - poor wee mite he has done so well today.

My dark thoughts coming in to the op. had included every variation of the worst-case scenario and thus all happiness today was magnified, it is how I have always processed information. I went in fully giving him to God and I came out blessed that God allowed us to keep him, intact. My preparations included many photographs and a voice recording of his latest jabbering and they shall be treasured regardless but how lovely to have kept "the real thing," our bonny little boy.

Now sleeping in his double nappy with catheter in place and his parents' hearts intact.

Day 29 - Emotional

Very emotional today as I consider my baby (23 months) going under the knife in the morning. I've soent the day cleaning out my emotions (and brushing the nursry) so I am ready to be strong for my baby come the morning.

That's all I've got.

Day 28 - Cleaning in Mama's and the sidebar

Today I washed some dishes (an almost unheard of event) at my Mama's, dug the meat out of some leftover chicken and used the carcass to make some stock but mostly...

I cleaned up my sidebar on my sister (challenge) blog.

Virtual clutter and disorganisation is almost as hindering as the real life stuff and nonsense. Glad that's sorted perhaps I could suck it up and actually do some real honest-to-goodness CLEANING!

Day 27 - Cleaning up the visual

An old display unit, for what - who knows, recently unearthed at the back of an outhouse and given a thorough going over. Placed horizontal rather than the vertical stance its brackets suggested and filled with an assortment of small "treasures," mostly of my husband's bachelorhood. Trinkets of worth to him but not necessarily of tremendous beauty. Gathered together, the trinkets, including a couple of my own, and the small shells and stones to add a touch of nature, a display worthy of witness - a gathering of us both and our lives and loves. Simple and yet not quite as it shoukd be - the unit darkly painted failing to show off the "treasures" and so to scrapbooking or rather scrapbook paper and the large collection I have gathered up over the years. A few small rectangles of lighter paper (chosen with input from the Hubby) and the "treasures" are offset and ready for a proper exhibition.

Beautifying our space, making it ours, cleaning up the visual of the old and making it new.

Christ risen cleans up the visual of our hearts and makes them new and clean, showing off His love if only we allow it.

Day 26 - Toddling along...

Today was not a day of much cleaning or clearing or tidying or organising, it was a day of baby steps, toddling along...

Today I cleared the detritus of papers from the top of my bedside cabinet; it wasn't much of a pile, a couple of notebooks, a few letters waiting to be filed away but there it had sat for so long. The clearing took little time and yet the effect was remarkable. I wouldn't have said the space was messy or cluttered and yet clearing proved that it had been. The "cleared" surface or as cleared as it would ever be was more restful, more peaceful, a calmer visual; calm is especially of importance for the insomniac and so I will endeavour to keep it clear. The touch-lamp, water bottle and box of tissues, ever-ready and waiting for the constant use all three items get, they alone shall remain.

Today I washed two full loads (and one yesterday) and hung to dry the light and easily dried items downstairs and the non-dryer thicker items across the radiators upstairs and dryer items were gathered from both loads before that helper was called into play. My maidservants worked hard for me today and I thank God for them.

Today I quick-cleaned both bathrooms.

Today I visited with my parents at the outreach cafe of our church and enjoyed a freshly baked date and wheaten scone with jam and cream and shared a slice of scrumptious apple pie with Bundle. I enjoyed his hand-loading of his teaspoon with his mini-crackers and grape halves and his sheer delight at the piece of iced cake I allowed him.

I enjoyed an afternoon visit to my parents' home and a catch-up chatter with my mother as Bundle played in the wide variety of cast-off toys. They go to Australia for three months and we'll all feel their loss.

Following my Cleaning Schedule is the goal but as insomnia knocks me or emotions rage through me and depresssion takes the legs from under me I am thankful for a loving husband and son and wonderful family to cheer me on, make me a cuppa and just live alongside me. The house has seem improvements and I have a long way to go but I am glad that God's grace sustains me and not the ability to eat off my floor, although I do anyway :) five second rule people!

Day 25 - Cleaning out my wallet

Well more accurately cleaning up my finances and FINALLY cancelling a website subscription I wasn't even using. It was going unused because it wasn't useful to me and yet I procrastinated as per usual and didn't cancel it straight away, even though the website wasn't going to suddenly become useful. Who knows how my brain works, I certainly don't.

So today I cleaned up my finances and I'm glad. Now if only some of this philosophising could manifest in the kind of household cleaning I had originally intended for this month of blogging... then all will be just dandy.

Day 24 - Raw hide

Raw hide! The wagon rolls on without me aboard.

It seems even when one *chooses* to alight from the wagon as opposed to falling off of it, it is still decidedly difficult to re-board. The intellectual decision made to hitch up and head back out onto the plains notwithstanding, the caravan continues its journey without me.

My Hubby is home, my emotional equilibrium almost restored, as restored as it is these days anyhow and yet I am cast adrift, zombie-like, not quite doing and not quite striving and certainly not thriving.

Another day of failed tasks, undone challenges and I am unmoved.

Prayer and prayer and perhaps this little engine will once more...

Day 23 - Coming Clean

I haven't done a thing hardly the last couple of days, I let things slide, I checked out as my Hubby checked in to a flight, to another country (sort of), and a hotel. I chose this, to overeat, to checkout, to lay awake, to let my emotions rule me, to wander around zombie-like but...

I did chose to air the house, to open the blinds/curtains, to tidy up, to empty the dishwasher and reload it. I chose to shower as soon as I got Bundle down for a nap, to clean me, ready for Hubby's homecoming. I chose many other things to dismiss over the last few days and a few others to keep-up and I have no real regrets in truth. I made these decisions in full awareness of my state of loss (boy I missed him) and I made them so I would not be overwhelmed by my emotional state but rather lean into it and focus on the important over the less so.

I focused on prayer and study. I focused on personal contact. I didn't cancel my catch-up with a friend. I didn't cancel my tutoring sessions. I withstood in a lot of ways, crumbled in others.

He is home and my equilibrium is reset. My house is our home and no it is not cleaner but it is happier.

Day 22 - Checking out

Check out my progress.

Check out how much I cleaned today or yesterday or last week.

Check out from cleaning because Hubby's away.

Check out how much I have to do.

Check out how much I did, check out how much I still have to do.

Check out out how it doesn't stay done, stay clean, stay tidy.

Check out how it is all day everyday, or a little everyday...everyday.

Check out how it has to be done again and again and again and again and again...

The curse of the fallen, that dust will always fall, we come from the dust, we return to the dust and in between we, you know, dust!

I can't wait for heaven, streets paved with gold, pearly gates, radiance, the brightest of lights to dispel all the darkness and show up the lack of dust.

Praising for eternity and no dusting, singing for the King and no sweeping.

There is a castle on a cloud, I like to go there in my sleep, aren't any floors for me to sweep...Les Mis

There is a Kingdom in the clouds, some day I'll go there no more to sleep, aren't any floors for me to sweep...Heaven

Day 21 - Miss Saboteur

It happens with every goal I aim for, every plan of attack, every attempt to change my ways; at some point I sabotage myself.

It might be a slow sneaking back to old ways, after all, old habits die hard. It might be allowing myself to fall off the wagon once and then twice and then finding it hard to climb back aboard; or just not bothering. It may just be outright quitting or a spectacular "fall from grace" or a plan to fail.

It is the sinful nature exerting itself, the call of the familiar or the "easier" path. It is choosing the "what I want right now" over the "what I want." It is seeking comfort in the old, the familiar, the food I gorge on, the TV/book/blog that allows me to zone out; instead of doing the next thing, instead of seeking and finding comfort from the One from whom comfort and peace flow.

So many times I've given up, walked away or not even tried.

I am in a period of struggling once more and I have been/am sabotaging myself.

I've been sitting up too late which has more than likely added to my insomnia. I've been slow to get started in the morning. I've been prioritising my time very poorly. I've been letting my emotions and tiredness get the best of me.

We have been busy which has put extra emphasis on the need to prioritise in order to get the basics done and at the same time I've been continually adding more and more challenges (on my sister blog) without thinking about when or where I can fit in these additional activities. I need to take a couple of days while my Hubby is away to really think through all that I have to do and to lay out how I can best fit things in and which tasks should take priority on a busy day.

I think my Cleaning Schedule needs to be prioritised and up until now I've really not been taking it seriously. My (small) efforts have paid off, but really a little more foresight, planning and effort would improve my success at these tasks immensely.

So with a heavy heart over the copious amounts of rubbish I've just consumed and the little work I have today achieved, I shall to bed. Goodnight.

Day 20 - An Inside Job

Roman Catholics visit the confessional and "atone" for their sins.

I believe Salvation Army members kneel at the mercy seat to confess.

Traditionally Presbyterians are to examine their hearts before the six annual communions.

There is even the encouraged prayer format of A.C.T.S. Adoration Confession Thanksgiving Supplication.

Prayerful confession is again wiping clean the slate of our soul.

Turning over the new leaf of repentance.

With the introduction of so many challenges on my sister blog I feel as if I am chasing my tail and never fully accomplishing anything; yet I have accomplished so much and one area that has greatly improved is my prayer life.

Daily "prayer sticks" time with Bundle has left me more open to God, seen me confessing my aberrations almost daily and seeking the forgiveness of the cross, with thankfulness for His mercies being new each morning.

Six lollipop sticks to guide me and direct me to His throne of grace;
Purple - a prayer format or prayerful passage,
Yellow - something for which to give thanks,
Red - family member, friends or church family to pray for,
Green - prayer for government, missionaries the world over, our ministers, the persecuted church
Orange - a supplication, please help me to be kind, patient, Christlike, (I really should add-in all the 'fruits of the spirit')
Blue - confessions, cleaning my soul, cleansing my heart, being contrite and apologising for the wrong that breaks His heart, mindful of the debt paid and freedom granted, PRAISE THE LORD!

Other short-term requests are added in to the mix and the prayers can have moments of checking off the list but those are few and far between, as the dialogue begins and my heart opens up to God. Tears flow and my soul sings. Our Father... Thank You Lord... Please lift up... Guide me O though Great Jehovah... Help so-and-so see their need of You... I'm sorry...

All the parts come together to make more than the whole. Thanks and praise and pleas and confession.

Confession especially, "they" always say it's good for the soul and they're right.

Day 19 - Building good habits

So I'm definitely not following my schedule too well, but even on days like today, when every hour was easily accounted for and none of my scheduled cleaning was done, things were still cleaned?!

In building up better daily habits for myself, I clean both bathrooms daily and (usually, hey I'm a work-in-progress) give the kitchen counters and sink a bit of a once-over. I also bleach the toilets three times a week (Mondays, Wednesdays and Saturdays).

So today, being Saturday, I may have been busy, I may not have "cleaned" or felt I had time to, but the toilets were bleached, the bathrooms were given a quick run-over and the kitchen counters were wiped down.

Building daily habits is helping my house, heart and head and that allows everyone to benefit from them ;)

Day 18 - Be prepared

Today I followed a new recipe (an actual recipe!) and made hash brown crusted (vegetarian) quiche; you kmow it was good when my Hubby didn't even mention that it would have tasted better with a little meat in it!

All-in-all a successful cooking experiment but I certainly got to think about preparedness, you see alongside this (slightly) increased amount of cleaning, there has been a dramatic lessening of messing up the house and a big increase in tidying and setting things to rights about the place. The house is definitely looking the better for it.

Recently the Hubs decided to invite his family for Christmas and I begrudgingly agreed to go along with that decision. The decision itself made sense, my in-laws weren't terribly keen to host, my SIL is pregnant and pretty sick (and hosted last year, though not for us). Logically it made sense but emotionally...

I dream of being a regular, relaxed, house at the ready for company hostess - however I am none of those things. Hosting makes me terribly stressed, we don't do it very often, the house had (until recently) not been company ready ever and well I disliked that state of affairs (being that hospitality is biblically mandated and especially for church elders-my husband being one) but wasn't trying terribly hard to right the situation.

Now however that I'm discovering the benefits of (somewhat slapdash but much more) regular cleaning and better tidying habits I actually text Hubs today to say how "I'm kinda looking forward to Christmas now that I'm starting to make headway on the house." His reply made me cry:
"That's just great. You brought a big smile to my face... You are doing fab. Christmas will be great."

Of course I haven't yet offered to actually help him with the cooking, but baby steps people! ;)

Anyhow just to round this off nicely, yes it's good to be prepared, to have a plan, to be company ready in case the "company" materialise but sometimes being prepared ahead of time has its downsides...

This morning saw me prepare all the vegetables for my new quiche recipes, I was set to go, with courgette and celery chopped, chopped onion defrosted, cheese grated and potatoes peeled and grated. I set to creating my masterpiece after my hour of tutoring had been accomplished and... I found lots of grey grated potato. So tonight I served my Hubs and Sunny hash GREY based vegetarian quiche - yum yum!

It was still delicious though!

Day 17 - A little cleaning goes a long way

Today (being the third Thursday of the month) saw us at our monthly La Leche League meeting, a definite pick-me-up for this Mama, it also being a LLL meant no official cleaning schedule beyond my everyday ones of a quick swipe over the bathrooms and kitchen. In a (very) small effort I was putting away some stragglers (items set down to be put away but still sat there, wherever there may be, months later) and having done that tiny (put off for far too long) job I set to and dusted that cupboard top and tidied up the decorations to beautify the space.

A little cleaning goes a long way because now that space makes me smile, instead of think, "Oh! I really should tidy that and dust it."

Day 16 - The quick brown fox

The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.

Getting quicker at the bathroom cleaning and I made myself get stuck in and clean both bathrooms today and brush out the en-suite. Hubby pitched in and brushed several floors today, love that man.

Getting into the habit of cleaning definitely makes me quicker at it. Funnily enough it also goes much quicker when you don't have to tidy first or scrub away weeks/months/years of grime to find the clean.

A little everyday, yet another golden rule that rings true.

Day 15 - What Cleaning Schedule?

Today I opted out. I cooked (lunch, dinner and tomorrow's lunch). I beautified the nursery walls with the rest of the animal/woodland decals. I played a couple of new pieces on the piano. We visited a gorgeous newborn. I studied further about Judaism and Pesach and Seder. I zoned out. I didn't clean.

Day 13 - Sabbath Rest

Supposedly a restful day, yes it did indeed include a nap but a very busy one.

The Husband's birthday:
- an early start for me, getting up with the (surprisingly) early-rising Bundle;
- then a busy church service, sat in the back pew rather than our favoured 'baby corner;'
- then naptime (bliss and sorely needed;
- then visitors and cake (in-laws and nephews);
- then over to my parents' for dinner and more cake and time with my sis and nephews;
- then bedtime for the baby and
- then Downton Abbey - joy!

Day 12 - Tidying vs Cleaning

Today choosing tidying over cleaning; deciding to tidy instead of clean; prioritising tidying over cleaning - why?

Necessity.

Necessity is the mother of invention.

Necessity in this case forced this procrastinating, ditherer to pull up her big girl pants and get to getting.

Tidying done, the lack of cleaning didn't matter so much and the house is ready for visitors.

Cleaning house indeed.